TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
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