Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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