She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
where are you?
Hypothermia
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
