I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
