areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
