so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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