all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
