it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
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