i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
