I could make wine with my vomit
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
