I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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