my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Still dying that you shit outside
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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