So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
