can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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