margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
