I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
