remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize