Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
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