last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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