Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
