He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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