my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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