Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
