mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
