No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
