She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
