My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
