I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
