The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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