Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
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