Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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