Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
