Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
