I'm passing your future prison.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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