Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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