eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
You took a bar mat shot.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
