That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
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