you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Is that strawberry winking at me??
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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