Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
