Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
