Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Randomize
