he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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