living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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