Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
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