it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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