i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Randomize
