im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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