Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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