I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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