How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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