um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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