You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
