she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
