This dress was meant to end up on your floor
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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