My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
