There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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