I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Randomize
