She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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