My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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